I Don’t Know Where My Vagina Is?

Question – I don’t know where my vagina is. I have tried looking up online where it should be but everything looks different in photos. And it hurts a lot. Is it normal? Where is the pleasure?

Answer – Most people’s first reaction to this question is to laugh – it sounds really bizarre.

Unfortunately, however, far from being a weird question, it is extremely common and symptomatic of a far larger issue – the lack of information on all things sexual and the absence of a non-judgemental adult who you can go to for advice on the subject.

And so I am tackling this question slightly differently.

Instead of directly responding to the question I have decided to speak about the real issue surrounding it – the lack of knowledge amongst the young people, their fear and desperation in having no dependable person to turn to Vs the ridiculous insistence of the older generation to continue to call it ‘dirty’ and refusing to talk about it!

We may have scrapped article 377 but our attitudes, even towards sex and sexuality have not changed. Sex is still seen as ‘sinful’, ‘bad’, ‘dirty’, it is never to be spoken about openly and anyone (particularly a girl) who expresses an interest in wanting to understand more is labelled ‘fast’ or ‘easy’.

The sheer scale of ignorance on all things sexual is one of the biggest problems that we are facing in society today. Instead of becoming more open and understanding with time we are becoming increasingly more covert and judgmental about the subject. And in the year 2019, in India, there are still no proper sex counsellors that one can go and talk to about our fears and concerns or even just our questions, without being judged or shamed.

And I particularly want parents/ adults to sit up and take notice because this repressive attitude is giving rise to more and more aggression and violence. And if we want to create a changing society for our children, we have to start changing our attitudes.

I get at least 50 people a day emailing to express their concerns about masturbation – ‘is to bad for me’, ‘does it make me a bad person’, ‘will my health improve if I stop’, ‘will my health improve if I begin’……

Masturbation is neither good nor bad for the body – unless you overindulge because anything in excess is bad for you. It is the most natural thing in the world, everyone does it and it is a great way to release tension. Some people enjoy it more than others, some feel the need for it more than others. But the most important point is – it is NOT a sin!

Another regular question is ‘can my wife and I have sex if I have been to the temple that morning’. Sex is NOT a sinful or bad thing. If anything, it is a wonderful and pleasurable act, and especially for a married couple, it is extremely important to have a healthy happy sex life because that is what will keep the marriage stable. But unfortunately, society has taught us to think of it as something dirty and so we end up believing that even as married couples we are somehow doing something bad in having sex. Can you imagine the impact this is having on our brains!

Recently we dealt with a young girl who was having terrible problems with the in-laws. She couldn’t get pregnant, the in-laws were blaming her for being infertile and threatening to send her back home. In the end, we discovered that it was just because the young couple had no idea how to have sex! Every time he tried to penetrate it hurt her so much that he would stop at the tip – after all, if there is that much pain then he felt he must men doing something wrong. No one had told them about lubrication, no one had explained that it needs proper penetration for pregnancy to take place, and no one told them that the vulva is not a straight passage and it takes some manoeuvring to get it right.

And why? Because it is a ‘dirty’ thing that we do not talk about!!

The girl who sent me the above question was actually talking about the G-spot rather than the vagina. She had the words wrong – another problem of our attitude towards sex. She had read that the G-spot can be incredibly pleasurable and wanted to try it out for herself. But no one had told her about the importance of lubrication, or how to relax the muscles. No had explained that foreplay is essential because it causes arousal which informs the brain that it is time to prepare the body for the next step.

Sex is about pleasure, NOT about pain and no one should be made miserable with it, or go through discomfort.

Sexual desires are the most normal thing in the world. No one should be shamed out judged for it.

Our bodies and minds are geared for pleasure – it is not a sin, we were created to feel arousal.

Women need to understand their own bodies and learn what gives them pleasure. Once you understand this it will give more confidence in yourself, both as a person and as a lover.

Men need to understand that women’s pleasure is different from their’s, that it takes longer and does not happen in the same way but that it is equally important. And if they can learn to understand what arouses their partner it will increase their own pleasure by at least 100%.

Note to parents – Porn sites today have become very easily accessible and are often the only source of information for young people. Do we really want this to be the teaching tools for the next generation?

What does the kama sutra say about anal sex?

Question – We want to try anal sex. Is it painful, is it messy? Is it a sin? Please guide me. What does the kama sutra say about anal sex?

Answer – Anal sex has been a common and popular practice in all ancient civilisations. We hear about it mostly amongst men. In Ancient Greece, it was considered advantageous if a mentor (normally a much older man) agreed to have a relationship with his young student. Fathers often paid the older men to accept their sons as students and lovers – it was a sign of support, favour and privilege. And many of these relationships (and their stories) were immortalised by painting or engraving scenes of anal sex on bowls and vases.

It would have happened equally among women. It just wasn’t as much talked about.

Anal sex was so popular was because it was acknowledged as being extremely pleasurable. The ancient texts say it was more intimate than regular sex and gave rise to greater love between the partners than anything else could.

As a matter of fact, it was considered so pleasurable that in 342 AD the Ecumenical Council of the Catholic Church passed a law banning anal and oral sex. According to the Catholic Church, the body was a manifestation of sin and sex was evil and it’s should never be had for pleasure, only for reproduction.

There was nothing remotely reproductive about anal or oral sex – it was purely for pleasure – and so it was made illegal.

And that law has coloured our opinion of it ever since. So much so that in the Western world that law has existed till very recent times with a recorded case in America in the late 1950s of a man being jailed for having consensual anal sex with his wife.

The kama sutra is strangely silent on the subject. It includes a couple of positions for anal sex but it doesn’t really talk about it. Unlike the detailed suggestions and techniques that are offered on love bites or kissing or even on the sounds to be made during sex, there is merely a passing reference to anal sex with no added instructions or remarks in the kama sutra.

However, there are lots of other ancient texts that do talk about it in detail and here are a few things that are worth knowing and understanding.

All the ancient texts emphasise the ‘lovingness’ of anal sex. Because you are not face to face with your partner you have to constantly remind them of your love and caring. Conversation is very important. Kissing, caressing and holding should be far more than you would normally do. Your pleasure depends on the comfort and pleasure of your partner. If you cannot put in this extra effort, don’t have anal sex.

Take it very, very slow. It is ‘not a swimming pool. You don’t have to jump in’. Do things one little bit at a time and when your partner is comfortable with that proceed to the next step. Even if it means taking a couple of months to get there. Each step has its own excitement.

Is it a sin? Definitely not!

Is it painful and messy? It can be, but if you do it the right way, nice and slow and smooth, you can avoid the mess and it will not be painful. On the contrary, it can be extremely pleasurable.

You are right to be concerned about the mess but that is easily dealt with. Make sure you clear your bowels properly and then clean yourself thoroughly – I cannot stress this enough – otherwise you WILL soil yourself.

Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate. That is 50% of the secret to all good sex, especially anal sex. The more the better. This will help you relax. Use a silicon-based lubricant as it won’t dry up halfway through.

Do not use a numbing cream. It is important to feel all the sensations, even pain because that is your body’s way of telling you in case you need to stop. If you have numbed the area you do not know if things are going wrong. By the way, Vaseline can act as a numbing agent.

The inside of the anus is not straight, it is a gentle S shape. Be very aware of how you push, especially if you are using a dildo as you have to accommodate the curves.

Make sure that the receiving partner is on top. This way they can more easily adjust themselves in case of discomfort.

Don’t forget to kiss and touch. Most people are so busy trying to focus on instructions or make sure they get it right that they forget about the sensual and the tender.

How Less touching is More Exciting!

Question – In your book you say less touching is more exciting. I want to know how to arouse a woman with the least amount of touching.

Answer – According to the kama sutra less physical contact is far more exciting and can bring a woman to orgasm in such a way that not only will she have an orgasm at that time but even for the rest of the day, each time she thinks of you, she will become aroused. And in her mind, you will become the best lover that she can ever hope to find.

Yes, that is great – but it takes time, patience and control to do that.

The first step is to remember to something different each time, as explained in the chapter “Phases of the Moon”. This chapter says that the erogenous zones move every day according to the movement of the moon and this is where you must stimulate your partner for best results. Not all scholars feel that this is scientifically accurate but whether it is not, it is a very clever technique to introduce variety to the lovemaking – because nothing kills excitement like boredom and monotony.

Each part of the body can be an erogenous zone – it just depends on what you do.

On Day 1 of the waxing moon, it is said that our sexuality is concentrated in their feet. Gently graze the arch of left foot with the nails, then with a fingertip and then with the tongue. Let her feel your hot breath on the spot where you have used the tongue. It causes a sensation of hot and cold which is very exciting. You can nibble gently or kiss but whatever you do keep all your ‘touches’ very gentle and tentative – almost as though you will pull back any moment. Stay on the opposite side and talk to her and DO NOT touch her anywhere else, even if she asks for it. If you can follow the instructions and spend enough time on this you can not only make her come to orgasm but leave her feeling excited for hours afterwards as well.

The neck is a great place to kiss. Rub the neck and the base of the neck from behind. Use your nails to graze very lightly on the front of the neck and kiss her there. Use your tongue and let her feel your breath over there. Remember the ‘no touch’ rule – do not touch her anywhere else.

Even spots like knees and armpits that we wouldn’t normally think of can be very exciting.

The knees might need a little bit more pressure as the skin is harder to use your fingers tips to massage them, then use your lips and teeth – remember just a bit of pressure, not too hard. Do it very slowly, take your time, as though you’re enjoying your favourite dessert and you only have one spoonful so you have to eat it really, really slowly to make the pleasure last. Do not touch her anywhere else.

For the armpit, lie next to her and very slowly and very gently trace little circles with your nail.

The same rule applies to any part of the body. The idea is to be very slow and use the lightest of touches. Do not grope and grab and jump on her. Less is more.

Remember you are there to tantalise and excite. Let her arousal take its own course.

Does eating only veg food create an issue with sex?​

Question – Does eating only veg food create an issue with sex or Erectile Dysfunction. I guess I may be suffering from ED but not sure as I have a lot of different partners.

Answer – Are you saying that you are really bad in bed – because having sex with someone who has weak or partial erections is no pleasure for a woman – but that you just go from one woman to the other before they can complain rather than trying to fix the problem?

There could be many reasons why you have weak erections bit since you think it might just be regular Erectile Dysfunction, let’s discuss what you can do to improve things.

Food is not the answer. Being a vegetarian is not going to give you erectile dysfunction and similarly neither will eating any specific types food make you a super lover – there is no such thing as the magical ‘aphrodisiac’ that you can eat to fix all your sexual issues.

The secret to good erections is good active blood circulation. Erections are caused when blood rushes to the genitals. A limited blood flow – for whatever reason – will give you a weak erection. And blood flow is regulated by various organs and arteries.

The organs are all interconnected through a complex nervous system of energy and chakras and they work together as a team, each one supporting the other for best results.

For instance today we know organ that directly feeds the genitals with energy are the kidneys and doctors will tell you that for good sex it is essential to have really well-functioning kidneys.

But in ancient times they understood that the kidneys, in turn, are supported by the lungs and therefore good sex needs healthy and well-regulated kidneys as well as lungs. As a matter of fact, the Kama Sutra says that the perfect remedy for erectile dysfunction is pearls. Pearls were the gemstone for the lungs – their function was to calm and regulate the breath in order to make the lungs more efficient. Efficient lungs meant lower blood pressure and cholesterol, lower blood pressure meant clearer and wider arteries which could pump more oxygen around the body and this, in turn, would increase the blood flow to the genitals.

According to modern medicine erectile dysfunction is so closely associated with oxygen and blood flow that doctors are now treating it as an early sign of heart problems.

Therefore dealing with Erectile Dysfunction is not just about sexual pleasure but equally, about general health, it is about generating a better quality of life as well as possibly a better life span too.

And incidentally, if you have narrow arteries and bad blood flow, even viagra will not work. The function of viagra is to push the blood towards the penis – because ONLY when the penis is engorged with a large supply of blood will you get a good erection. But if the arteries going down to the genitals are not capable of carrying sufficient blood down there then even this will not work. Viagra is not a magic wand, it is not the answer to everything.

My advice on food

Food does play an indirect role in sex – but it is not quite simple as eating sackfuls of whatever you might consider an ‘aphrodisiac’ – chocolates, or strawberries or whatever – and thinking that it will solve all your problems. The food that you eat can, under certain circumstances improve your blood circulation and that in turn can help with better sex.

The best foods recommended for helping to increase blood flow are vegetables which are naturally dark and have a high nitrate content, like spinach, beetroot, celery etc. These foods create gases that will expand the arteries and permit better blood flow. Did you know that ED drugs are based on vegetable nitrates and the effect that they have on blood vessels that lead to the penis?

The flavonoids in dark chocolate are very good for lowering blood pressure and cholesterol.

Pistachios contain an element known as arginine which can be effective.

Generally, I would recommend anything with a high content of Zinc is good.

But food is not a magic wand. Many things can contribute to erectile problems. Blood flow and narrow arteries are one of them and the food is just a tiny part of the issue. Try eating healthy as a starting point. If the problem persists, go see a specialist.

And if for any reason it is more serious and cannot be treated, then remember, there are many other ways of creating pleasure for yourself and your partner that do not involve penetration.

Explore other possibilities. There should be no excuses for bad sex.

Tackling Premature Ejaculation

Question – I seek info/advice/help on Premature Ejaculation. This seems to be a great universal human disappointment which robs millions of males of real pleasure.

I have been watching your youtube channel and one of the episodes got my attention, How to retain your semen.  Can you please clearly help me to understand – where is the pressing point location on right chest area??

Answer – My video on ‘retaining semen’ seems to have gone viral and many of you have written in asking for help on how to manage the problem of premature ejaculation and what the Kama Sutra says about it.

The ancient kama Shastras say that keeping in mind the nature of our sexuality, at the start of lovemaking a man will get very excited very quickly and also be ready to ejaculate very quickly, whereas a woman’s excitement levels at this early stage are low, similarly so are her chances of climax. Subsequently, however, as the evening proceeds to a second and third time, the man’s excitement levels are low and his ejaculation will take much longer but conversely, a woman’s intensity will grow higher and she will also come more quickly.

Premature ejaculation is a very common problem and except in very rare circumstances, it is not a disease or a physical ‘misfunction’. PE is driven by our minds and control can be achieved relatively easily.

For all of you who have asked – there is no way to physically train your organ itself to hold back the semen and not release it in the face of extreme arousal and excitement.

If someone is telling you that they can do this, trust me, its a myth. An erection happens when blood rushes to the genitals. No one has learnt yet how to reverse the flow of blood. The key words are ‘mental strength’ – only the mind can accomplish this. The body will follow what the mind is telling it.

Premature ejaculation during intense sexual arousal is an issue that everyone faces. It is the most natural thing in the world.

Which is is why all the ancient love texts provide so many ‘nuskas’ – solutions, remedies, ideas, even magic potions and lotions for the problem which include everything from chanting, murmuring, shouting, pressing different points on the chest, weird contortions of the mouth and tongue, visualising different types of wildlife or scenery and applying strange concoctions to the phallus.

Important – please do not use the lotions or concoctions. They are ineffective and can be very dangerous. But all the other techniques listed above will work, and you can take your pick of the one you like the sound of because potentially, they will all work equally well. Not because they are magical or spiritual secrets handed down through the mists of time – the remedies are all based on one idea only – to take your mind off what you are doing and focus on something else.

Pressing the chest or opening the mouth will not reduce the blood flow to the genitals during sex but if you can, just for a couple of minutes, stop thinking about what you are doing, if you can block out your arousal and your excitement and think about something completely different you can slow yourself down. And depending on what you choose to think about, you can even lose your erection temporarily.

It’s that simple and straightforward!

But although this may be very simple advice it is not easy to follow. During intense arousal, it is very difficult to control the mind by sheer will power, by saying ‘I should do it, therefore I can do it’

And this is where the ‘remedies’ come in. It is easier to hang on to a story, an idea, a tool, its simpler to believe that the ‘solutions’ have come from ancient wisdom. They make it easier to follow and automatically become more effective.

My advice

The male anatomy is geared to quick arousal and most people believe that at the point of passion they are not in control of their body’s reactions. In actual fact, the body can be controlled by the mind at any time and if you really want to prolong your, and your partner’s pleasure, this is the safest and most effective way to deal with Premature Ejaculation.

The Ancient Chinese used to recommend that one should think angry and unkind thoughts about your lover at this time. This would reduce your excitement and automatically stop your ejaculation.

My advice is to think of something completely different from sex, something that needs focus, even something unpleasant if necessary – perhaps the state of your finances or even your tax returns. Do this for about a minute or two.

See what happens.

Sex is not a computer programme. There are no hard and fast rules. Enjoy and experiment – safely – and learn what makes you and your partner tick.

Good sex makes the world go round! Helpful hints to make your lovemaking sessions even better

Take it from the ancients, life will be totally balanced only when you take your lover to the moon and back.

Modern medicine claims it decreases the chances of heart attacks and increases grey cell activity – good sex makes you healthier and more intelligent(Imaging by Sunil Kumar Mallik)

The ancients believed that good sex ensured a stable marriage, a stable marriage ensured a stable society, and a stable society meant a stable kingdom.

To illustrate this, here is an apocryphal story from the 13th century, set in an eastern kingdom in India. A king was sitting with his ministers when a naked woman ran into the court. The scandalised ministers rushed forward to clothe her, but she stopped them.

“I am fed up,” she said. “I have always made sure to fully pleasure all my lovers, but no man has ever taken the trouble to satisfy me completely. And I have decided that until a man is able to satisfy me fully I will not get dressed again.”

The ministers fell into panic. Suppose this became the fashion? Suppose all their wives took to the streets naked because they were dissatisfied in bed?

The king realised he would have to do something. He could see that his ministers were no longer thinking about the welfare of his people or the security of his borders – just the naked woman and the kind of rebellion she might incite.

He called for any man who could help. For a while it seemed hopeless, but eventually a man came forward. He led the woman away, and lo and behold, she returned to court the next morning fully clothed!

The delighted king told the man to write a book on his knowledge of how to satisfy a woman completely. Because never again did he want his kingdom or his people to fall into this kind of uncertainty.

Silence is for monks. Lovers need to express their arousal through sounds. It heightens the excitement of both partners equally

The ultimate panacea

Over the centuries, the wise and the sagacious have consistently recommended great sex as the panacea for most ills. The Chinese considered it the elixir of youth and the path to glowing skin. According to the Sushruta Samhita, a sixth century text on Ayurveda, different sexual positions could be used to cure chronic illnesses.

Modern medicine claims it decreases the chances of heart attacks and increases grey cell activity – good sex makes you healthier and more intelligent.

It has even been proposed as a solution for climate change. According to Wilhelm Reich (a post World War II analyst), bad sex and pent up frustration caused a negative atmospheric layer that threatened to suffocate the world, and the only way to dissolve it was to blast it with ‘orgone energy’ (the energy of ‘superior orgasms’).

But what is good sex and how does one achieve it?

There is no one-size-fits-all formula. But the good news is we have an enormous potential for arousal. The human body is an unending feast of erogenous zones and the mind – which is the ultimate erogenous zone – has an infinite capacity for excitement.

But good sex needs the indulgence of time and attention. If there were mobile phones in 300 AD, the Kama Sutra’s first mantra would have been to ‘leave them in the other room.

And one is never too busy to make time for something you really want to do. Do not buy into the whole ‘who has the time for all this seduction nonsense’ – that is just the excuse of below-average lovers who do not have the energy and prowess to get their partners to the moon and back.

Pleasure upon pleasure

You are capable of feeling incredible pleasure – maybe not every single time – but certainly often enough to make it worth your while. That level of arousal and excitement and pleasure is the most fabulous feeling in the world. And the most addictive…

Here are a few helpful hints from the Kama Sutra on how to elevate your lovemaking.

Cushions

An essential accessory for all lovers, the Kama Sutra recommends eight different shapes of cushions – crescent, round, square, rectangular etc. When placed under different parts of the body they change the angle and depth of penetration and this in turn changes the sensations that you will experience. Try it once. You will never look back.

Tip: Do not place a pillow under your head.

Love sounds

Silence is for monks. Lovers need to express their arousal through sounds. It heightens the excitement of both partners equally.

Tip: The Kama Sutra says love sounds are a great barometer of good sex. You know that things are going according to plan if your lover starts by making the guttural sounds of the pigeon which go up in pitch and urgency as desire mounts.

The no-touch kiss

Feather light touches build anticipation. Don’t grab, pull, force or slobber. Wrap a strand of her hair around your forefinger to hold her head in place – nothing more – and gently tease her lower lip with yours. Sustain it till she is desperate for more. Or hold him by his sleeve with the lightest touch.

Tip: When there is just one point of bodily contact, you savour it more.

The post-coital story

What you do after sex defines how eagerly your partner looks forward to having sex with you the next time. A woman takes a very long time to cool down after her orgasm and what happens during this period will literally decide whether it was a pleasurable experience or not. The Kama Sutra says that after sex it’s time to cuddle and tell her stories of lovers who lived happily-ever-after; make her feel secure and happy.

Tip: Post-coital intimacy will make up for anything that you don’t do particularly well in bed and she will go to sleep thinking you are the best lover in the world.

No feasts before lovemaking

You can go on the most romantic dinner – candlelight, oysters, champagne, red roses, all the flirting in the world. But you need energy to digest your food and you need energy to drive arousal. The body can only do one thing at a time, and if you have just eaten, it will automatically pick digestion.

Tip: Figure out a clever after-dinner activity, and give it two hours at least. It will allow you to digest your dinner and increase the anticipation and excitement.

 

Disclaimer: If you would like advice from Seema Anand on Sexually Speaking, send us a brief question to info.seema.anand@gmail.com (No attachments please. Attachments will not be looked at). Each week, Seema will choose one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets she will not be able to enter into any personal correspondence.

Sexual abstinence till married

Question

I’m a devoted christian and its against my faith to have sex or any romantic contact with females (like dating, passionate kissing, romantic touching) before marriage and I’m planning to stay completely celibate until marriage which would not happen for another 5 years or so.

I normally used porn, masturbation etc to relieve my sexual tension but also stopped. That is also wrong. But at the same time feel sexual tensions building within me.

So whats your advice for me, should I just stick to masturbation or stay completely pure until marriage…

 

Answer

I want to reassure you, you are not alone in your concerns about masturbation and their religious implications. Society’s disapproval of masturbation has resulted in a severe lack of information which is a real pity because this is a topic that definitely needs to be addressed comprehensively and without judgement.

I firmly believe that we should all respect our religious beliefs and follow the tenets of our faith as far as we can. But we also need to understand that these religious injunctions were written several thousand years ago and they were written for reasons that were valid at that time. But since then circumstances and reasons have changed and we have to alter our thinking as well.

It was not just in Christianity, every ancient belief system discouraged men from masturbating – but there was a reason for this taboo.

Semen was considered a very precious substance. It was the life force. Semen is made up of 60% of the body’s daily dose of vitamins and minerals and once expelled it takes the body a very long time to make up this nourishment again and therefore it was not be wasted. Plus this was the seed of new life – according to ancient belief children were born of male fluids, that was the source of existence.

Interestingly women’s sexual fluids were not that much of a concern. Female fluids were not considered particularly precious. According to the Ancients not only did women have an unending supply of fluids and therefore one didn’t need to worry about running out but also they were not used in making children, they were not the life source – that was exclusively the role of the male. And so ancient belief systems spend far less time discussing (and banning) women’s masturbation. It was just not important enough.

Men’s semen however was to be cherished and carefully preserved for the important work of procreation so everything was done to dissuade people from this practice, and therefore the long list of grave and dire warnings against the idea of masturbation.

But I think you should be looking at this in the context of the modern world in which you live.

Regarding depleting the body’s energy – today with the improved quality of food available to us, we have all sorts of vitamin, supplements, health foods available to us at all times, and very few of us do intense physical labour. So unless you have a medical condition which needs to be considered, the thought of not being able to replace the body’s nutrients is not a valid fear anymore.

And as far as waiting till you are married and committing your semen for the creation of children only – sexual desire is the most natural instinct, of both the body and the brain. It is not really possible to erase it from psyche till some societally approved marker is crossed. We are born with this instinct and its manifests in our conscious and subconscious completely involuntarily. In olden times people were married off at a much earlier age and so the sexual urge could be satiated ‘without sin’. But today if you do not get married till 40 do you really think you will be able to wait that long? Or even, should you wait that long?

Masturbation is one of the most natural things in the world – whether deliberate or involuntary – and everyone indulges in it, in some way or the other. But there has been so much taboo and disapproval around the subject that no one talks about it. Even the word ‘masturbation’ is considered a bad word. From childhood the ‘badness’ of this act is inculcated in us – it is evil, it can lead to blindness, it is bad for your heart – and so our associations with masturbation are all about threats and punishment.

And therefore we do it as surreptitiously as possible, accompanied by mountains of guilt and dogged by all sorts of fears; we worry about the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ of handling our own bodies in our own private space. And then suddenly you get married and it all becomes ok to have these urges and desires – you can have sex as many times as you want, in whichever way that you want and it is all blessed and good.

This is the kind of thing that leads to extremely dysfunctional behaviour.

You are obviously in need of some kind of release. I cannot tell you to go against your belief or your faith but you need to pay close attention to what your brain and body are telling you.

My advice to people, in all situations in life, is to become aware of their thoughts and feelings so that they can manage their actions and reactions properly.

When desire builds up over a period of time and is consistently suppressed it will eventually find an outlet. If you don’t have a safe release valve it will explode and you will no longer be in control. And that’s when things can really go wrong.

Eventually this decision must always be yours but I want to reiterate that masturbation is not something for the outside world, it is for your personal needs. Whether it is for pleasure or for purposes of release so that you can continue to function in a normal manner – because frustrated desire can have a very debilitating impact on the brain affecting both intellect and emotion – it is a private action hat need concern only you.

Don’t be subsumed by guilt or perceive it as a ‘sin’. Try and look at it in a logical manner.

And if you still feel unhappy about this I would advise you to have a chat with your priest. You might be surprised at what he tells you and you may find that the solution was not as difficult or terrible as you thought it might be.

Disclaimer: If you would like advice from Seema Anand on Sexually Speaking, send us a brief question to info.seema.anand@gmail.com (No attachments please. Attachments will not be looked at). Each week, Seema will choose one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets she will not be able to enter into any personal correspondence.

Question

My girlfriend and are writing this letter to you together. I feel very excited after a few drinks and I think I am better lover at that time also. But she says I don’t turn her on after I drink. What kind of  chemistry is this, she likes me sober only.

Answer

I don’t blame her. I personally find absolutely nothing attractive about someone who is drunk.

You might think you are amazing in bed after a few drinks, you might think you are very seductive and charming and flirtatious, that you have become the superman of lovers. However alcohol will give you decreased control over your muscle functions, even less over what you are saying and your ability to judge your partner’s reactions is severely impaired. Reality is you are probably groping, dribbling and unable to hold your erection.

I think the line is between a couple of drinks and more than a couple of drinks.

A lot of people feel that a couple of drinks help them loosen up. It makes them more confident, more chatty and definitely more adventurous.

Even the kama sutra says that a little bit of alcohol is good for you – it loosens your inhibitions, it helps us to get over the complexes we have about our own bodies and it takes care of bad breath – yes, wine breath was a thing even 2000 years ago. But, the book says, anything more than that is not good for your sexual performance.

After 2 drinks – whether or not you think it affects you – the automatic reaction of the body is to slow down.

For really good sex the body needs energy – energy to get the sexual arousal going, extra blood flow to the genitals to achieve an erection and a decent degree of muscle and mind control to maintain your’s and your partner’s excitement. Alcohol is a relaxant, not an energiser and its natural effect is the opposite of what you need to be doing. It does not make you a better lover, if anything it desensitises you to most of the finer emotions and it dulls the mind, making you less aware of her needs.

And I wouldn’t count on the fact that she is turned on by you. Being turned on by someone is not a permanent state – just because she finds you desirable generally does not mean that everything about you is sexy. And even more importantly the sexual chemistry that she feels for you will not last for ever and it will not survive every situation.

If, as you say, she is excited by your intelligence, then what makes you think that she will be equally aroused by your lack of it?

You are lucky to have a woman who is attracted to you and wishes to be your lover. Your’s is now the responsibility to keep her interest in you alive and fresh.

And my advice to your partner, or any woman in the same situation is – don’t be pressured into accepting something less than what you want. If a man’s drunkenness makes him less exciting to you that is entirely your choice to make. You are not a robot, you cannot be aroused by the push of a button – there has been no little pill created that can bring a woman to arousal. You body and mind will come to excitement when they encounter the right stimuli.

And that is just how it should be. Your pleasure is important – there is no reason to have sex with someone unless it is pleasurable and exciting. Do not accept anyone else’s parameters of how you should feel. Trust your own instincts of what turns you on and always follow that.

Not only will that ensure your own pleasure but it will make you a fantastic lover too – which will be wonderful for your partner as well.

Disclaimer: If you would like advice from Seema Anand on Sexually Speaking, send us a brief question to info.seema.anand@gmail.com (No attachments please. Attachments will not be looked at). Each week, Seema will choose one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets she will not be able to enter into any personal correspondence.

Learning the art of seduction

Question

What is seduction? Why does the Kama Sutra think it is so important? How can I learn?

 

Answer

For most of us it is a lifetime’s search.

Accordingto ancient Indian scriptures seduction is a philosophy. Whereas in the West it is a tangible thing, something that can be defined, for the Ancient Indians seduction was a state of being – it was you, it was your aura, it’s how you felt inside yourself about yourself, it was the vibrations that you transmitted, it was combination of absolute self belief and yet a complete lack of ego, a mixture of mystery and openness.

And like any philosophy it had to be understood and mastered and finally reinterpreted in your own way, with your own individual style. Seduction is that ‘something’ about you that resonates with people, that draws them towards you, that reflects their own desires.

According to Vatsyayan seduction is a multi faceted personality, it is someone who can hold your interest on many different levels.

The kama sutra lays down 64 skills that one must learn in order to be a master of the arts of seduction and the list is an unusual one. It includes traditional skills like singing, dancing, reciting poetry etc which are to be expected. It includes proficiency in brain games, conundrums, puzzles and quizzes, which we can also understand. But then it goes on to cover things like planting trees, holding cock and quail fights, making clothes, learning sign language, none of which make any sense as tools of seduction.

Of course each thing does have a purpose, as the Kama Sutra carefully explains, but over and above the individual reasons behind each skill is the larger idea of developing a well rounded, interesting personality.

Seduction is not a single thing but a combination of elements that make you self sufficient, independent and great company.

Which is why, although the kama sutra invokes the blessings of kamadeva the god of love and desire, the patron deity of the treatise is Saraswati, the goddess of music and learning – because someone who is culturally well versed is the most attractive person of all.

Even in terms of the physical tools of ‘seduction’ – dildos, masturbation, lubricants etc – the difference is in the approach.

In the world of the kama sutra each kind of ‘seduction’ was a mutual pleasure. It was not about the mere physicality. It was how you used it to pleasure your partner. Dildos were to be used by the lovers together – for one to increase the experience and pleasure of the other. Masturbation was not a solitary ‘jerk off’ activity, it was a part of foreplay, to enhance the pleasure and sensations of the partner.

Everything was done to raise the mutual arousal levels to ever greater heights. Seduction was about changing the physical and mental space from the ordinary to the sublime.

The kama sutra says that seduction is not just a means to sex – seduction is not ‘done’ when sexually begins or even when orgasm is achieved. There is an entire chapter in the book on how to behave after sex so that the morning after is just as pleasurable – because that is the groundwork for the next time.

Men and women are entirely different in their arousal. Vatsyayan says that women’s sexuality is like water – it begins and the head and travels downwards and like water it takes a long time to heat up but also a long time to cool down.

Men are like fire – their sexual desires begin at the groin and flare upwards, like fire they are quick to infinite and quick to douse.

Left to ourselves we would probably never be able to find a point to coincide our arousal.

Seduction was for harmonising the sexual energy of lovers so that the sexual act became a mutual enjoyable experience.

The Arts of seduction as prescribed by the kama sutra with all its hundreds of rules and rituals was meant to bridge the gap between the sexes, to slow the man down and encourage him to take his time over his arousal and at the same time give the woman enough time and motivation to raise her sexual energies and desires.

Today we experience pleasure at a purely surface level and accept it unquestionably. We don’t even know that we are missing out.

We have far more tools of seduction today than our ancestors did 2000 years ago – your favourite music at any time, scented candles, beautiful lighting at the flick of a switch, perfumes, jewellery sexy clothes, makeup, fine dining, wine, books to teach ourselves techniques, erotic films – anything that you could think of to make the experience more mysterious, exciting, enticing, pleasurable, different.

And yet the sex is pedestrian and banal.

We are in such a rush that everything has to be instantaneous or else it is dumped because ‘who has the time!’

We do not spend any length of time on seduction, it is no longer a skill and the idea of taking the time acquiring the knowledge is treated as a ridiculous idea.

And the thing is – there is no substitute for time. Seduction is not an event, it is a process. And if you don’t spend the time on it then none of it will ever come up to ones expectations. And if it doesn’t come up to your expectations it is going to leave you feeling hollow and empty and jaded.

Seduction is a slow process, it’s something that takes time and thought. It’s about bringing every nerve ending tingling to life, about experiencing the tiniest sensations.

Disclaimer: If you would like advice from Seema Anand on Sexually Speaking, send us a brief question to info.seema.anand@gmail.com (No attachments please. Attachments will not be looked at). Each week, Seema will choose one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets she will not be able to enter into any personal correspondence.

Woman’s stamina compared to a man’s

Question

I wanted info on women’s stamina. She tends to come in just 5 mins. Any information that may help us out.

Answer

Women have a lot of stamina for sexual excitement but their stamina works differently to that of a man. For a woman an early orgasm is not the measure of her staying power, it is simply a part of her arousal.

And one orgasm is definitely not the end.

As a matter of fact the kama sutra says that women should be brought to orgasm at least a couple of times during foreplay – before the man even considers starting sex – because a woman’s capacity for sexual enjoyment is much larger and far more complex than that of a man’s and cannot be sated in the same simplistic manner by which a man is satisfied.

Unlike for men, with women the orgasm is not a straightforward release of sexual fluids, it is a kaleidoscopic collection of moments that rise and fall, it is an experience with multiple layers and varying intensities and happens in a variety of different ways. A woman can come again and again, with different degrees of passion and with almost any kind of stimulation – kisses, love bites, the barest of touches against the skin, sometimes even with just conversation – everything has the potential to bring her to orgasm, if done right.

I can understand your concern about her stamina and the impact it could have on your love life.

For most men the sexual experience is defined by their orgasm which in turn is identified by their ejaculation. It has a specific choreography – there is a definable starting point and a definable finishing point. Arousal comes with a hard-on and the hard on takes its natural course, generally in a straight line to the finish – to ejaculation. Once the release happens everything comes to an end – the steam runs out, arousal dies and the body is both unable and unwilling.

However for women it works differently. Not only are they physiologically different – their sexual fluids are not limited to one pouchful and it is not all ejected at the same time which means that they are not ‘done’ after one orgasm. It’s a sexual energy that is driven by blood circulation which means it can be reignited almost ad infinitum.

But also their passion does not work in a straight line. There is no guaranteed way to generate arousal or gauge its intensity – there is no little blue pill that can cause arousal in a woman. It happens on its own terms and with its own catalysts and it proceeds with the same amount of uncertainty – which means that whatever might work to bring her to excitement today will not necessarily work on her tomorrow and something that she didn’t like last month might be exactly what she needs now. It is thoroughly uncertain and inexact.

But the good news is that a woman has an almost bottomless capacity for sexual excitement and the myth of multiple orgasms is actually a reality.

Women take much longer to come to arousal but they also take much, much longer to cool down. And during this period of arousal they have the potential to come to orgasm several times, but – and here is the crunch – only if the man has the ability and stamina to bring them back to it again and again. I know Masters and Johnson, in their famous studies on sexual behaviours, told the world about women’s multiple orgasms but what they didn’t mention was the process behind it. A woman is not a robot. You cannot press an on-off switch that makes her have multiple orgasms. It needs the same degree of attention to bring her to it each time. As with any release of energy after the orgasm there is a period of tiredness when you need to stop for a till the excitement is stirred up again – this respect all orgasms work in the same way. The difference is that women do not need as long to regain their sexual energies.

The best way I can describe it is like the ebb and flow of the tide, or the crest and fall of a wave – it needs a little push.

If your wife is coming to orgasm very quickly when you begin your foreplay its not something to worry about – on the contrary you are doing something right because you are getting her aroused in the way that works for her.

What you have to now understand is what to do next – how to slow yourself down so that she can recover from her first orgasm and start to build up the excitement to help her move on to her second one.

The Kama Sutra not only has a list of different types of foreplay and embraces that will get her excitement up again but it also advises on how to proceed with each one – when to start slowly and build up, what kind of conversation to have – during foreplay to excite her and after sex to create a mood of contentment, how much physical contact would arouse her desires and anticipation – everything adds up.

The book even explains the sort of sounds that women make as their passion mounts – starting with the guttural sounds, going up in pitch. Lovers are advised to pay special attention to these because the sounds are like a barometer of the beloved’s rising excitement.

Don’t be fazed by her orgasms, don’t start worrying that they are too soon or not soon enough. Instead learn to enjoy them like you do your own. You will be amazed at how sexy it can feel to bring her to a pitch when you are not there yourself.

Women do not orgasm like men – more often than not a woman’s orgasm is just the beginning, not the end.

But whether or not her arousal continues to rise is up to you.

Remember if you want her to be passionate about you, you have to inspire the passion.

Disclaimer: If you would like advice from Seema Anand on Sexually Speaking, send us a brief question to info.seema.anand@gmail.com (No attachments please. Attachments will not be looked at). Each week, Seema will choose one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets she will not be able to enter into any personal correspondence.